This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
