The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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