I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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