At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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