Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dicks are not precious.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
