I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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