i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
