meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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