I'm so fucking centered right now
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
