Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
