batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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