Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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