Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
