I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
