the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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