i barfeds in our rink
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
