Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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