i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
