jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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