I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
