Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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