who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
