She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I skipped work to stalk him.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She bit a glass in half.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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