I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
