M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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