Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize