I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize