someone threw a dead crab at me
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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