Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
