Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize