Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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