At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
