He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
