Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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