Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have already put on my inside pants.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
