i would punch a child for taco bell
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
