??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
