i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
