I think im going to throw up on grandma
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
