i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's just like the Real World with babies
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
