i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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