I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
