I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
