burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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