I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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