It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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