Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
