Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
