This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
