I think I won the penis lottery.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
