I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
