I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
