Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
