i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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