I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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