i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
